The relationship between my father and me has been complicated to say the least.  When I was young, I was actually afraid of my father.  He used come home from work (or a night at the bar) and was very demanding and intimidating.  He used to put my mom and me on the defensive by his aggressive behavior.  After a while, being on the defensive became normal.  Arguments were common, especially late at night.  Many times I would hear ash trays thrown around and after a good hour or so of cussing, he would slam the door leaving the house.  He wouldn’t come home until early the next morning.

My parents divorced when I was 13 years old.  I saw my mom working double shifts to earn extra money.  My father had run up the credit card balances and left my mom to pay them off.  He was supposed to pay $200/month child support, which was a huge amount back in the mid 70’s, but needless to say, we never saw a dime.

After the divorce, my father’s visits became non-existent as well has his calls.  The times I did reach out to call him, I was usually put on the defensive, as was the norm.  Comments like, “Well, its about time you called me…” or “Well, it sure took you long enough to call…” were common.  “Guilt trips” finally took their toll when I was in college.

My first year in college, I excelled academically.  It was almost like an extension of high school, where I could get whatever grade I wanted just by putting forth the effort.  I was in control.  There were no limits to what I could do.  And then (…can you guess…), the bottom fell out the second semester of my sophomore year.

First, the relationship with my dad started to take a toll on me.  Internally, I felt like I needed to stay in touch with my father and keep the relationship going, but I “paid a price” every time we talked.  I took on the responsibility of managing our relationship, unaware of the father’s responsibility in a father-son relationship.  Emotionally I became “frazzled”.  At the same time, my college classes became more difficult.  I majored in chemical engineering which was one of the harder engineering fields.  The result – my grades started to drop.  According to my freshman year expectations, a “B” was acceptable as long as it was associated with at least three A’s to cover it.  Well, over time my expectations were adjusted to where a “C” was a welcome sight.

I was in a battle.  Attacks were coming from:

1. The responsibility of maintaining the relationship between me and my father
2. Dealing with guilt trips every time he and I would talk
3. Increasing frustration of dropping grades
4. Increasing frustration of not being able to control my situation
5. Most importantly, being ignorant of my need to acknowledge God in my life.

I truly didn’t know the Lord at that time and was focused on my will, my ability, and my control to get what I wanted.  It was all about me without God.

Three things happened during this time that changed my life:

I began to seek the Lord…to really seek Him as heartfelt as I could at the time.  This was the first time I encountered a situation that I could not control.  I was humbled and brought to a realization I was not in control.  I started to learn that I may have influence over a situation, but never total control.  That belongs to God and Him alone.

The lesson I started to learn: God is sovereign.  We are not.  The reason I say “started to learn” is because:

1. I had a tendency to slip back to my old ways
2. God is so “big” that you can never learn all about Him or His ways.

Secondly, I readjusted my focus from the grade (like getting an “A”) to doing my best.  My Fluid Dynamics instructor was Dr. X. B. Reed.  After taking his tests, I used to think that X. B. stood for “x-tra brutal”.  This was one of the courses where earning a “C” was a victory.

After getting “brutalized” on one of his tests, I went to see him in his office.  I asked him what I could do to perform better on his tests.  I was studying as best I could.  I just couldn’t seem to do well.  And he told me something that has stuck with me over the years.

He said, “Well Mr. Coleman did you do your best?”

I replied, “Yes”.

“Then you’ve done all you can do at this time.  You can’t do better than your best, can you?”

“Well, no I guess not.” I replied thoughtfully.

“Continue to do your best and focus on that”.

The conversation was over.  And no, he did not slack up on his tests; they continued to be “x-tra brutal”.

I had put extra pressure on myself trying to achieve an “A” (amidst all the personal things going on with my father).  My lack of success just led to more frustration.  Initially when I took one of his tests, I was more focused on the consequences of not performing well, rather than the material in front of me.  There were many times when I would study with some friends and help them prepare, and come out of the test with a lower grade than they had achieved.  This just increased my anxiety on the next test.

But after talking to Dr. Reed, it was like a weight lifted off me.  Mentally and emotionally I started to shift my focus to doing my best, and letting the results come.  I would learn from my mistakes and focus on improving the next time.  As a result the anxiety level during tests dropped significantly and my grades started to improve.

The third and more relevant thing that changed in me is that I stopped talking to my father.  The emotional drain was so severe that I had to “cut him off” so to speak.  Naturally he did not try to call me at all.  We ended up not talking for seven years…only then after I initiated the call.  There was a time of separation.

With the separation, came stability in my emotions.  I was able to think and function like “normal” folks.  To this day, I have kept some level of emotional separation from him…more like a protective reaction.

Now for applicable Scriptures.

I first one that comes to mind is Colossians 3:21.

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (ESV)

The word “provoke” has a sense of being provoked, irritated, or aroused for a prolong period of time.   Being “provoked” for a long period of time can have some significant adverse effects on children.

Ephesians 6:4 has a similar message.

Another is Psalm 27:9 – 10.

Hide not your face from me.

Turn not your servant away in anger,

O you who have been my help.

Cast me not off; forsake me not,

O God of my salvation!

For my father and my mother have forsaken me,

but the Lord will take me in. (ESV)

This is the cry of a person’s heart who feels rejected.  He/She cries out to the Lord who will take them in.

For years I struggled with suppressed feelings of rejection.  Thoughts would go through my mind like:

“If you weren’t valuable enough for your father to support you, what good are you?”

Crazy thinking, but real feelings.

Emotions became more “potent” after I married and started raising children who weren’t my own.  When I got married I made a commitment to raise my wife’s sons as if they were my own to the best of my ability.  Over the years I saw how much time, attention, prayer, sacrifice, money, and dedication it took to raise kids.  Addressing a need of one of our sons, occasionally I would entertain thoughts like:

“Wow…I wasn’t worth the effort.”

I began to combat the thoughts and their destructive emotions by meditating on the Word.  Meditating on Psalm 27:9 – 10 and Psalms 34:18 brought me closer to the Lord.  I actually began to think of God as my personal Father.  Our relationship grew as a result.  The closer I drew to Him, the more peace I received.  As a result, I was able to better lead my family in a godly way.

None of us have perfect parents, but we do have a perfect God who desires to have a heartfelt, growing personal relationship with Him.  My time of separation from my earthly father was used to become more acquainted with my Heavenly Father.

I share all this because:

• I know other men struggle inwardly with absent, imperfect fathers.  There is hope in Christ.
• We all will leave a legacy, intentional or not.  I want to encourage men not to pass on damage to the next generation.  Christ came to give us life; an abundant life that is the foundation of a godly, rich and powerful legacy. (John 10:10)

If you are separated from your earthly father, use this time as an opportunity to become personally acquainted with your Heavenly Father, through a relationship with Christ, being empowered by the Holy Spirit to be the man God has intended you to be.  And do not isolate yourself, but begin to associate with wise, mature, godly men who can help you in your daily struggles.  That’s what brothers in Christ are all about.