Recently I received a call from a friend of mine.  He was having problems with his adult step-son who had moved back into his house.  The problems didn’t necessarily stem from a contentious relationship between him and his step-son.  The problem was more between him and his wife concerning the step-son.  I’ll illustrate below:

Husband: “Baby, I know Jr. has gone through a tough time, but now its time for him to get back on his feet.”

Wife: “Honey, he’s been through a lot.  He needs more time.”

Husband: “Time?…that’s why I hadn’t said much to him for the last four weeks.  But I think its time for him to act.”

Wife:  “What do you mean, ‘Act‘”?

Husband: “Get up, get out, find a job and leave that woman (his estranged wife) alone.  She was bad news from the beginning.  I tried to tell him, but you shut me down…”

Wife: “Now wait a minute.  He’s heartbroken and…and…What’s that in your hand?”

Husband: “Job postings I got off the Internet.  I’m getting ready to give them to him now.  Jr. has played the last video game in my house!”

Wife: “Now you hold on.  You’re not going to shove that down my baby’s throat!”

Husband: “Yeah, but this ‘baby’ has been shaving for ten years.  Time to unplug the video games.”

Wife:“Don’t you go to his room!  Let me tell you something….”

I think you get the picture of where the conversations goes from here.  Sound familiar?

Now there’s several issues at work here.

1. Jr. is the step-son of Husband.  Husband does not have the same relationship and feelings for Jr. as his own biological children.
2. Wife is more protective of Jr. since he was alone for a while, i.e., it was just the two of them for a long time before Husband came along.  Jr. was the only “good” thing to come out of the previous marriage.
3. Wife allows Husband to be more “in charge” of the kids they had between them because they are his.  Besides, the kids picked up a lot of Husband’s looks and traits.  But her natural reaction is to protect Jr.
4. Jr. has a tendency to fall under the protective wing of Wife, his mom…especially since he’s going through a tough time now.
5. Emotions become elevated quickly.  An exchange of opinions can quickly turn into a shouting match.

So what’s godly man to do…as head of the house?  Well here are some suggestions:

1. Get yourself right before the Lord.  You are serving in the role of “priest” and servant leader of your home.  You provide the spiritual covering for your family.  If the “head” is not right, the “body” can’t function.
2. Seek the Lord for wisdom on what to say, when to say it, how to say it, where to say it…if anything.  Effective communication has to do with both parties.  The recipient has to be ready to receive before communication can take place.  Only the Lord truly knows what’s in a person’s heart and when the time is right.
3. Stay in a prayerful mode.  This will keep your responses “tempered” so that emotions don’t escalate.
4. Pray with your wife routinely over the situation.  Let her see that you truly care for Jr. and his best interest.  Let her see your heart.
5. Be aware that sometimes “extra bonding” occurs between mother and child(ren) after a divorce.  She becomes the bread winner, protector, mom and dad.  The emotional bonding between her and Jr. may be deeper because of her role(s) before you came into the picture.  The perceived “over protectionism” you see, may be the result of her past.
6. Pray with Jr. routinely.  He will see that you care for him as a person and will be more receptive to your suggestions.
7. Remember (and act like) God is Lord over the entire situation and remember Isaiah 55:8 – 9; God’s ways are above your ways.  Many times He works behind the scenes.
8. Take the practical steps necessary for the situation.  If Jr. needs a job, help him in his search.  But be cognizant that he may be in a “fog” of emotions and bad thinking.  A direct approach may be what’s needed, but maybe not.  Timing may be key.
9. Finally, “…trust God and leave all the consequences to Him…” (borrowed from Dr. Charles Stanley – InTouch Ministries).

Hope this helps.